My Private Instagram
I have not intentionally scrolled through social media since mid-September, 2024. At the time of this writing, it has been just over ten months - my longest calculated pause since signing up for Facebook in 2007. Instagram followed five years later. Posting to and checking these platforms became so ingrained in my routine that I would open the apps by mere reflex and often check one or the other instead of, for example, the weather app. I would end up spending 10 to 15 minutes swiping through the eternal slot-machine of content and completely forget why I was on my phone in the first place. Once locked into the feed, I would flip-flop between the two. When IG bored me, FB saved the day and when FB failed to satiate, why not check something like Gmail? Surely there is an Inbox (1) waiting for me there. Rinse and repeat throughout the day. Of course some of this content made me smile and some of it made me frown. However, most of it sparked unnecesary jealousy as I entered the comparison hyperloop, which mostly led to a low sense of self-worth.
And do I ever miss this routine! I miss it more and more as time goes on; not less as I had initially hypothesized when I began this pause last September. I miss seeing updates from friends, family, acquaintances, colleagues, former students, bands, and even brands. You name it - all the metaphorical highlight reels. I miss liking posts and getting that little rush of sugary goodness to the pleasure centers of my brain after tap, tap, tapping away as I scrolled through the bottomless glass while sipping my morning brew. I miss posting photographs that had the potential to immediately acquire at least six likes in its first hour of existence. I miss going out on photo walks or travel adventures with the intention of getting that one Instagrammable moment, only to be disappointed hours later when it did not do so well. Thus, I’d sit and think to myself what a lousy photographer I was. Or worse yet, opening the app 30 minutes after a post and being met with ZERO likes. I also miss seeing other photographer’s amazing work and comparing myself to each and every last one of them. 10k likes here. 4k likes there. 100k likes over there! Wow! What that must feel like to open your Instagram and have so many likes and DMs that your brain can barely process all the dopamine and you feel as high as a kite, put on that Violent Femmes song, and blister off into the sun. I miss this all. It still haunts me after nearly a year of intentionally avoiding these temptations.
Needless to say, the stranglehold social media once had on my daily smartphone usage is a bit concerning. Not a day has gone by that I do not think about social media, which include visions of the feed flashing before my eyes and receiving likes, comments, tags, and DMs. The question that has been haunting me is should I go back and if so, to what capacity? Previous intentional pauses from social media have found me going back more frequently than before I had taken the break. Perhaps I should get an app blocker to make sure I only spend 15 minutes a day on the platform? Perhaps I should just check it only before and after work? First thing in the morning? Post once a week and only check it Saturdays at 10am to maintain contact with this network? Social Media has had such control over me that I am no longer sure I can function as a normal human being without feeding the feed, or being fed from the feed. And I am not blaming social media for any of this. I chose and have chosen to keep coming back. No one ever once forced me to share, comment, like, or continuously check any of these platforms.
However, last September I knew I needed a break. Cold turkey. Like when I quit smoking cigarettes that January morning in Duluth. Smoking alone out on the front stoop in minus 15 degrees just wasn’t bringing me much joy anymore. Enough was enough. The desire for nicotine was starting to control my life and happiness. Much like posting into the abyss of content just wasn’t as rewarding or fun anymore. But I want to light up again. Chain-smoke two packs of Marlboro Light goodness and feel that sense of connectedness and purpose again. Find out what my favourite bands are up to. Find out what my cousins are up to. Find out everything. And keep coming back for more and more, never to ever truly be satisfied. I now understand that no amount of likes or comments will ever satisfy that desire.
How do I return in a healthy way without a sense of overwhelming jealousy each time I see a post of family, friends, relatives “living their best lives”? Late Night personality Seth Meyers summed it up quite wittily and even more accurately: “I open Instagram for three reasons: To post a pic that makes my life look cooler than it is. To get jealous when a friend posts a pic that makes their life look cooler than it is, and to see if the ‘for you’ page recommends any AI generated lingerie models.” Funny? Well, depends who you ask. True? Likely.
Additionally, Mel Robbins, host of one the most successful podcasts on the planet, has a theory called “Let Them,” which claims to set anyone who applies these two words “free from the exhausting cycle of trying to manage everything and everyone around you.” I am not sure if I can apply this theory to practice, but it sure is worth a shot. I can try as I might to apply it to each and every post, every day, every hour, every second I spend on the platform. If I cannot “let them” then is it possible to “let me”?
In the meantime, while it feels like I am stuck between stations, I have created this little corner of the web. My own private Instagram if you will. A place I can share without the worry of photographs and writings being liked/not liked; loved/not loved; commented on/not commented on; shared/not shared. Sure, the dopamine rush is far less potent by sharing photographs and thoughts on a website, but for me it just feels a little safer. The question still remains if I will go back to using social media. Maybe the better question is, can I go back to using social media instead of social media using me? Again, I do miss it, and feel that with the appropriate balance and moderation, anything and everything can be consumed in a healthy fashion. One Big Mac a month, you say? Go for it! But do I need to post about it?
Here’s a set of photographs I probably would have shared on social media. Don’t forget to like and…wait…uh…whatever…nevermind. See you on Instagram again someday.
